I think a lot of what I’ve been labeling in myself as lazy procrastination can be chalked up to a simple lack of inspiration. I just don’t know what I want to do. We’re always told we need to have goals, big goals, so that the idea of them will push us to be successful. We’re told we need to save money and have a nice house. That we should get a good wife and start a family. That we should work hard and dedicate our time and effort to a career to support all of those things we were told we needed to have. And in that we seem to lose ourselves.
I find frequently that I am just staring into the inside of my eyelids and not wanting to open them back up. It seems to be that the day dreams are more motivating to me than the funds that hard work help us obtain. I’m simply chasing a feeling. That good feeling that convinces me that what I am doing is important, that it matters, and that it will offer me some satisfaction and pleasure as well.
Perhaps I have become broken and that chase is never ending. Just a full blown sprint on a treadmill to nowhere. Maybe it is just that I have this idea of what my ideal life would be and the thought that I’m not in it yet is discouraging me to the point of complete inaction. To be honest I’m not really sure what it is. But I know this much:
I want to change how I feel. I want to be active and strong, both mentally and physically. I want to feel content with the satisfaction of a hard day’s work doing something I find both fulfilling and pleasurable. I want to wake up and actually be awake. I want to experience life and actually feel alive. I want to be here now and I want the daily feedback from my subconscious that what I am doing is worthy of my one life, and not merely conceding to the difficult struggle and picking a route to remain comfortable rather than to grow.
I don’t feel like I am where I want to be in my journey, in fact I don’t really feel like it has began yet. But I feel like the awareness of that fact will do a number on who I am in the coming days.