Backup – Part 4: Bad Habits

The lights were turned off but the apartment was well lit. The game on the television screen would cause the room to glow and flash in blinding bursts of white. Occasionally the room would turn a red hue and some swearing would ensue followed by Bob or myself quickly taking another drink of our beverages before our character respawned and commanded our attention and focus back to the battle developing on the screen.

Bob was a pro at this game. He knew all of the places to hide and where all of the special power ups and ammo caches were hidden. Bob was one of those guys who bounced around between jobs a lot and had a lot free time to perfect game like this because of it.

Bobs issue was with authority. Whenever he was lucky enough to survive at a job long enough for him to get promoted he would thrive. Leadership was where Bob ultimately belonged but getting the other leaders to see that and give him a chance was usually pretty hard to accomplish.

Bob’s screen turned red and he spat out a stream of incoherent slurs that would have had a trucker blush. He quickly tooka drink from his beer which emptied too soon apparently because he mumbled some more swears and raced off to the kitchen, stumbling over the cord to his controller on the way.

“You really need to get yourself a wireless controller dude.” I hollared after him. I heard a chuckle from the kitchen.

“What so i can leave it here for you to masterbate with? Suuurre…” he laughed at his own joke for a second while he fumbled around in the fridge drawers for a can or two. “Beer?” He asked as he came back in with four of them in his arms.

“Yea bud, thanks!” It was the little acts of kindness that Bob showed that really made him a good friend. He never would go easy on you or take your bullshit but once he knew you weren’t around to get something from him he would bend over backwards to help you out and be considerate. But you should never point that out to him or he’ll go right back to giving you a hard time.

I hid my character in a corner I felt was pretty safe and finished the open beer. I tossed it on the table and grabbed at my controller right as my character was stabbed in the back. “Damnit…” i sighed and popped open one of the beers. As the screen faded to red I saw Bob’s character run off, he was next to me rocking back and forth trying to hold in his laughter.

“Dude I followed you around for like five minutes, how did you not see me?” He continued laughing while i pointed out the obvious.

“I shouldn’t have to see you you’re on my team dumbass.” He just laughed harder. There was no point in trying to get Bob to play by the rules once he started acting this way, he was basically a playground bully whenever he played games. Always throwing sand in your hair and looking all innocent and confused when you called him on it.

The screen faded to white with a bright red FAILURE plastered across the screen, our team had lost, no thanks to the best player on our team. It’s hard to win a match when you’re fighting your own team. Bob just kept on giggling as most of our team logged out and went elsewhere. “Well bud… how about we get this bible study rocking?” Bob said as he flipped open the good book and a pipe and bag of weed fell into his lap.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain what happened with my now ex girlfriend and I. We had a bad falling out. A really bad one, like this shit only happens in the movies kind of bad. The major problem was to cope with what had happened on the day everything had gone to shit I basically had decided to reenact the whole evening. Sans the girl i suppose.

I don’t know why I never brought this part up with Jane at the coffee shop. I suppose it could be that I didn’t know her that well but I suspect it was more likely I simply didn’t want the cute girl taking pity on me to think i was a complete asshole.

Maybe i am just an asshole who only looks out for himself. God knows enough people have eluded to that. Only one of them had the nerve to say it and she had been walking out the door as she did.

I like to think I’m not a selfish self righteous asshole but let’s face it, just because you like to think something it doesn’t make it true. So while i sat there next to Bob who loaded the bowl and passed me his pipe i thought to myself, “I’m not an asshole… I’m an idiot.” He handed me his lighter and with a click and a few “i didn’t inhales” as the politicians say, my mind raced off to Neverland.

Bob was still playing the games on the tv and he would occasionally go off on a rant about how some company was doing this and how it was awesome or stupid and then it would change to how the government was overstepping themselves and any day now there would be a revolution.

Every thought he blurted out, however boring or obvious was intensely interesting to me but instead of engaging him in a conversation about it my mind would race off in another direction. It was like a silent internal 6 degrees of seperation simulation was occuring in my mind and literally everything he said lead back to the previous night and reminded me of just how much of a horrible person i was.

Eventually Bob realized i hadn’t been talking to him. That my controlled sat lazily my lap and my beer had been gradually warming itself in the firm grip of my hand. “Dude what’s going on?” He asked with a goofy smile on his face. I just stared at him. A few seconds later the smile faded away as he remembered what was going on.

“Sorry bud, i’m off in my own world right now, I forgot.” Bob wasn’t one to apologies and if i hadn’t just smoked i would have been amazed that he did but at this point i was simply accepting everything that was happening at face value.

You know that strange feeling yoi get when you’ve held your eye contact with someone for just a little too long? Every second felt like that as i contemplated asking and then inevitably spat out, “Am i an asshole, Bob?”

It is so much easier to ask these questions when you don’t care about the response anymore. The smile came back a little when he replied, “hell yea bud, why do you think i love you so much? You tell it how it is and you don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks. You tell the world whats up and piss on it if it it says otherwise!” He was obviously trying to make me feel better and in a way it did but the underlying issue was still peeking through the fog of his compliment.

At the end of the day i definitely was an asshole, a self serving ego inflated piece of shit asshole who drove away his girlfriend by “keeping it real”. I forced another smile and said, “thanks for that bud.” He was already turning back to the game.on the tv so i finished the last of my beer and grabbed the pipe with the intention of capping the night in a haze of forgetfulness.

I don’t remember much else from that chill session with Bob but I do remember that we talked about the night my world had fallen apart and I do know that I relived that whole night in a dream. I have recorded it for you the best I can but even where I’m at right now doesn’t bring back the memories that my brain couldn’t record. It doesn’t matter how good the camera is, it won’t capture the footage flawlessly if you’ve impaired the lens and fucked with the storage process.

This is what I do remember and it’s the perfectly cut key for the doorway to hell i built slowly and unlocked and entered in just a few hours time.

I had come home late. Reeking of cheap weed and abandonment. She was sitting on the floor, her back was leaned against the couch and her knees were pulled up to her chest. She was staring me dead in the eye, her piercing gaze burnt straight through to my heart.

I knew i was in trouble this time. My stomach dropped. She might not be crying, not right now, but her eyes were red, her cheeks puffy and damp. She had a hurt look mixed with a glare with a twinge of disgust.  I had really fucked up.

My tunnel vision was beginning to expand. The room that initially seemed dim brightened. The smile playing on my lips relaxed and softened, fading to a quivering line. The joke I had been remembering dissolved back into the ether. The keys I pulled from the deadbolt fell to the ground.

And then all of a sudden as if it had been waiting in the tall grass rattling its tail at me a certain important memory resurfaced. My stomach felt tight. Oh shit. We were supposed to be on a date right now. Our reserved seats at the restaurant went cold. By now reassigned to a lucky couple who had arrived on time.

I looked back into her eyes. She just stared through me. The edges of my vision were darkening. There is nothing more intense than knowing you have fucked everything up and to know that if your relationship doesn’t survive the next hour it’s entirely you’re own fault. There’s something to knowing that you wouldn’t blame her either. This was the third time i had tested her trust in me with a promise and failed to deliver. In a row. Third time in a God damned row.

Of course I couldn’t blame her but oh how I wish I hadn’t thrown it away so simply. I should have fought for her! One last time. I should have came home from work on time and showed her just how important she really was to me. But i didn’t.

instead i had gone to my buddy’s house to get some fun in after a hard day at work and before sacrificing my relaxing time between when i work and sleep for time with my girlfriend. I saw her all the time! Why did we have to go on a date? I mean we did live together did we really have to go out and spend our extra money? My extra money?

I complain about her to Bob. He laughed at all the right times, clapped me on the back and generally supported my feelings. We smoked a little and sat on his couch watching cartoons. We talked about the old days. How much we were feeling like adults and that we were noticing how often we marveled about the price of food and a particular frying pan we both knew of.

I made a comment about how our 15 year old selves would kick our assess for acting this way and Bob and i almost died from laughter! We were in a fit of hysterics when I had checked my phone to see how much time we had left. It had only been three minutes, which rekindled our laughter and we lost it for awhile until a rather complex scene in one of the cartoons caught our attention.

The next thing we knew we were talking about politics and the how we’d give anything to have a 10 minute conversation with our younger self and explain to him how little time there really is and that he definitely should work harder and have a more interesting life.

We wondered aloud whether that younger version of ourselves would be smart enough to listen. Or would he be as dumb and egotistical as we were sure he wound be? I checked my phone again for the time and noticed i had missed a call from her, twice. And 30 minutes apart too. Bob marveled at her clinginess and i nodded along. Not really worrying about it, we were just having a guys night. No big deal she understands! But still… something felt wrong about that. My stomach got a hallow feeling in it which i announced. Bob muttered, “women…” and passed the newly loaded pipe back to me.

After that i remember stumbling into the elevator of our building (i still don’t remember getting home) and having trouble lining up my key to the deadbolt keyhole. I remember her face looking up at me. I remembered how i had hurt her that night and suddenly the feeling in my stomach at Bob’s house made sense.

Suddenly I was sober..and though my mind kicked into high gear. And thoughts to dig me out of this situation raced to my aid at 100 miles per hour they headlong into an freight train of the raw emotion of a woman scorned. They all disolved, like the life of mine i regretfully threw away.

Backup – Part 3: Heading Home

The phone rang a few times and then the operator picked up, “911 what’s the nature of your emergency?”

Emergency… if it had been an emergency wouldn’t i have called earlier today? In the morning when i discovered my car was missing and found myself sitting among the shattered glass, idly picking through and chucking pieces as i waited for Bob to arrive. Why didn’t I call then?

“I’d like to report a stolen vehical, my car was stolen this morning.”

The lady on the line asked for a few more details and said she would send an officer out to my address to collect some information. I told her I was across town but that I could be there in about 20 minutes or so. She said the officer would be there in an hour.

I said goodbye to the barista, whose name I later found out was Jane. She gave me a hug and said it had been great meeting and chatting with me. I agreed, and brought up that she still needed to teach me how to make that skull. She smiled at me again and said, “we’ll see, can’t just give out my trade secrets to every poor soul that wanders through this place!”

I smiled back, genuinely, no longer having to force it but still fighting myself at every moment not to think about the day before.

I thought more about this interesting barista named Jane as I made my way across the street and into a train back to my apartment. The way she smiled and laughed when I made a sarcastic joke or a bad pun. All of those piercings and how confusingly uplifting and kind she could be to a complete stranger that just wandered into her shop.

As the doors hissed shut and the train lurched forward bringing me towards my home i was jostled by a man in a business suit who was slowly making his way deeper into the car, talking on his phone to a significant other about the lack of seats on public transportation and how he had to go before he lost signal and how he loved, missed, and would see them soon.

It made my heart hurt to remember i would be coming home to an empty apartment. It also made me realize I hadn’t asked for Jane’s number. I suppose it was right that I didn’t. I shouldn’t be looking for a new romance interest this close to losing the one that i thought had meant so much to me.

I realized i was starting to spiral into depression and shock again and resolved to snap myself out of it. I looked around the train for distractions to pull my mind off of her. There was a boy across the isle playing a game on his phone, from the sound of it he was fighting an epic battle.

A young girl was asking her mom about the dark skinned guy with the fuzzy face and if he was one of those scary ones that kills people. Her mom had a shocked look on her face as she hurriedly hushed the little girl and looked appoligetically at the man who shrugged at her. I marveled at his response. I would have been pissed if someone associated me with a terrorist just at a glance.

There was a homeless man snoring in the corner of the train car, his coat was a patchwork of bits of fabric and thread attempting in vain to hold in what appeared to be scraps of newspaper and wool. It always amazed me how much ingenuity the homeless seemed to have when it came to self preservation. I wondered if he would be any better off away from the city, it he would be warmer and more sheltered elsewhere. I wondered why he wasn’t practicing his lifestyle in a warmer environment. I suppose he had no choice. I wondered if i would be in his shoes soon.

As the thought scuttered across my mind i quickly squashed it, i had enough money for several months sitting safely in my savings account. A littlw nest egg i was squirreling away for a ring I had been looking at. I felt sick again, that part of my life had stormed out the door in an angry huff last night and the ring purchase went with it.

I just stood there staring at a poster very similar to the one i had seen earlier and wondered what the hell was wrong with me? Why was this tearing me apart? And why had i thrown it all away? Why didn’t i chase her?

I suppose i thought i didn’t deserve her. Especially after the ways i had hurt her and took her for granted. No one deserves that treatment. The train lights flickered and the car darkened. The poster glowed blue against the wall. That promise of redemption and security, the smallest beacon of hope on my darkest day yet floated in front of me with a tantalizing promise of financial security.

Now when i said i have enough for a ring i wasn’t talking about some exotic priceless diamond encrusted bribe. I was more in the crackerjack budget. My saving would pay the rent for three months or it would cover every utility, food, and a few beers as well as my rent for only one month.

I felt myself sway towards the front of the traincar as the brakes squeeled and brought us to a smooth stop at my home station. It was only a few minutes walk home but i swung by a gas station on the way for a case of beer. I figured I wouldn’t be waking up early tomorrow anyways. Might as well forget who I was for a night.

As I came into view of my apartments I saw a police car sitting near where my car had been, the officer it belonged to could be seen wandering around that area occasionally he would lean forward or crouch down and a flash of light would shatter the dimly lit evening and fade. He was taking pictures of the ground and surrounding area. I walked up to him and introduced myself as the owner of the stolen car.

He gave me a business card with his name and told me what he was working on and that he would submit a request to the owners of the security cameras around the parking lot to see if the footage would shed some light on the car theft.

After taking down some of my information and taking a few more pictures he shook my hand and said he’d be in touch.

I wandered into my apartment and put the case of beer in the fridge while at the same time trying to tear one of the flaps open. The end of he box caught a lip of the shelf and stopped it from sliding back any further, at the same time the flap gave and a beer tumbled out onto the floor with a loud clatter. It rolled to a stop in front of the sink.

I bent over to pick up the slightly dented beer can and, after tapping around the top – something i see people do all the time to settle a dropped can of whatever carbonated beverage happened to fall, i popped open the tab and proceeded to spray my face and shirt with lukewarm beer. I quickly leaned over the sink and tried to drink the beer spraying out to can, a feeble attempt to contain my poorly considered actions. As the contents equalized and the volcano of beer subsided its destruction i peered out the window above the sink. I saw the cop car facing out of the parking lot entrance, its breaklights lit, and as the traffic cleared he pulled away and dissappeared around a corner.

I took another sip of my beer with a grimace and forcefully swallowed it down. I took comfort in knowing soon the case in the fridge would cool and i could comfortably melt into my couch and forget today ever happened.

I grabbed an extra beer from the fridge, you know, to be proactively lazy, and made my way to the couch. Before I got there my phone started buzzing away in my pocket. As i.sat down and took another sip of my beer I checked the phone. It was Bob. He wanted to come hang out and play some games on the tv. I told him to come on over and chill. That’s what we say instead of hangout, chill. I don’t really know why exactly but I’m pretty sure he started it back in high school. It was nice to know the day might actually have a little bit of a positive note to it.

I took another sip of my beer, i was sitting in an unlit room, the last bit of light from the setting sun was fading out and the room went from a dark faded blue to black. I took another sip. My eyes began to adjust to the dark, i could see that something was different with the room but I wasn’t sure what it was. Another sip. My phone buzzed on my lap and the screen lit up, Bob was here. I took another sip. The front door creaked open and the light turned on.

“Hey bud, what are you sitting in the dark for? You forget where the switch is at again?” Bob had a grin on his face, a case of beer under his left arm and a bible in his right hand. I took another sip, well a gulp this time and then wiped my mouth on my sleeve. Bob didn’t wait for a reply, he just wandered to the kitchen and stuffed his case in the fridge and came back with two of my beers. He opened one and set the other down on the table.

“Did your lady move out or something?” Bob was looking around the room, I took a glance around as well and suddenly understood why the room seemed off when i had looked around in the dark. She had come back and got her things while I was out. Her key was sitting on the arm of the couch. I took another sip.

“Yea we got into a really bad fight last night. We’re over.” Bob looked up at me and surveyed my face.

“Fuck man that sucks,” he paused for a moment, seemingly searching for the right words, “well at least we have two cases of beer and video games to get your mind off that shit.”

He held out his beer in front of my and tilted the top towards me, I just stared. I was having trouble thinking, and wondered if he was mimicking pouring one out for those we’ve lost. I looked up at Bob with a strange look on my face. He laughed and tapped his beer to mine, “Cheers bud, lets get fucked up okay?”

I forced a smile and mumbled , “you read my mind bud.” 

Backup – Part 2: Sifting through the ashes

A sudden lurch brought me back. I was staring at my feet feeling numb. I wish I could say i was lost in thought but I was only lost. I don’t even know how to digest everything that had been happening. My girlfriend was lost, my car was lost, my job was lost, and my mind seemed to have decided to hop aboard the bandwagon and go for a ride too.

It was too soon for me to even begin to contemplate what the hell i should be doing right now. And so instead of getting off of the train at my stop I opted to continue stairing at my feet, hunched over on the train. It was my first train ride. I wish it could have been more exciting for me.

At every stop a few people would get off and a few would get on, the train never really did seem to empty. Even though it was getting later in the evening and the normal rush had came and gone there were still quite a few people riding along with me.

With a heavy sigh I turned to look out of the window only to have my brief view of the city immediately flash away. We were now going through a tunnel. The lights of the train flickered and shut off. I would have been slightly frightened by this but no one around me really reacted to it. I simply assumed this was a typical occurance on a train.

I looked up across the isle noticing a blue lit sign hanging up above the head of a small fat man who seemed to be asleep. That was the sign. The one that changed my life. Had I even stopped for a moment to consider how my day had been going up until that point i would have merely scoffed and moved on with staring at my feet. But like i said i hadn’t really been thinking up until that point.

All i saw was a chance to start fresh. The sign advertised a new trial that would pay 10,000 dollars to the right candidates to have a special new medical procedure tested on them. Under that was a phone number. I immediately tried to call but we were still in the tunnel and my phone had no signal. The guy next to me chuckled, i assumed at me. I resolved to get off at the next stop and call. I couldn’t do much of anything about my life up to now but 10,000 dollars would certainly buy me some time to figure out a plan.

I wandered off the train and into an unfamiliar but confortable little coffee shop located just outside the underground station the train had paused in. There weren’t many people in there considering how many people were pouring in and out of the stairwell across the street to the train station.

It was dimly lit, almost like your typical dive bar except this place didn’t smell like stail beer and cheep cigarettes. The welcoming aroma of coffee and some soothing but unknown tune was playing softly over the sound system. The barista behind the counter – a young girl with tattoos and many, many piercings – looked up from the paper she was browsing through and gave me a warm smile.

“Hi! Welcome to the espresso express! How are you today?” She bubbled with what seemed like genuine enthusiasm. I assumed she was bored and happy to finally have someone to prepare a drink for.

“I’m pretty shitty today, you?” I said succinctly without any tracy of a smile on my face, she laughed lightly at that. For all the piercings she had a really pretty look to her. If hadn’t just had my heart ripped out I would have faked a smile for her.

“Oh you know, just bored!” She spoke in a strange way, throwing a little inflection at the end of random words. “What can I get you?”

“Uhm…” i hesitated looking up at the menu pretending to think even though i already knew exactly what i wanted. I always get the exact same thing anywhere I go. In this case it was, “a vanilla latte would be nice.”

“Coming right up!” She beamed at me. I couldn’t understand how a girl who fashioned herself in a way that from a distance implied depression or a stand-off’ish attitude could be so bright and bubbly. It was as if a preppy had been plucked from a fashion magazine and got the grunge makeover but was never taught about the attitude.

I left my payment on the counter and made my way to a dark corner booth. While i was waiting i pulled out my phone and called the number from the train poster. A recorded message played, requesting name, age, occupation, and other random bits of data I’m sure would be pretty typical of a medical study. I finished leaving my message right as the barista was bringing my drink over.

“Thank you!” I said as she was setting it down in front of me. She smiled and turned to walk back to the counter when i stopped her, “hey wait, is there any chance you guys are hiring?”

She turned and looked at me for a moment and then said, “Umm i’m not really sure, the owner comes in every so often but we never really know when he’s gonna hire someone new, you know?”

“Yea,” i nodded and looked down at my latte, there was a simple but awesome skull design in the foam, “how’d you do that?”

“Huh?” She looked where i was looking, “oh that? It’s just something i saw online once and started doing in here. Much cooler that those prissy flowers everyone seems to make…”

“Yea it is cool, i like it. Maybe you could show me how to make one sometime?”

She smiled again and said, “I’ll go get you an application okay?” I nodded and smiled back, for once on this shitty day it hadn’t been forced. I looked back at my latte, the skull was beginning to dissipate, it’s sharp edges had begun to blur and blend with the rest of the foam on top. It reminded me of how a carved pumpkin looks as it begins to sag.

My smile faded a little, the day was starting to seep back in to the forefront of my mind. The reality of it was hitting me in intermittent bursts that made my stomach feel knotted. Maybe the caterpillars had morphed into something more sinister? But before i could sink back into my depression the barista plopped down in the chair across from me with a pen and an application. As she slid them across the table she asked me, “So what’s this shitty day stuff you mentioned?”

An ironic smile played at my lips and my chest felt heavy again, I took a sip of my drink, which was quite soothing. I looked up at thw barista again who smiled reassuringly. She was a complete stranger, why did she care what I was going through? People don’t care about strangers like that, not unless they want something from them.

I figured why the hell not spill the beans and clear some of the air. I hadn’t even told my best friend about my day, but you don’t really complain to your guy friends about a crap day. Crap days are supposed to grow you as a man and seeking sympathy from other men is somewhat frowned upon.

With a heavy sigh I started talking. Talking about the day of the fight, the night after, the morning, my car, my job, my thoughts on my life and how fucked up the world felt to me up until this point. I kept on recapping just how much it was blatantly obvious to me that I was the sole responsible party for throwing away my entire life in a 24 hour period.

The door of the coffee shop seemed to blow open, some rain came through the doorway and a gust of wind wooshed some concert flyers off of the adjacent tabels. A man with an umbrella made his way awkwardly through the door as he unsuccessfully attempted to stay relatively dry while making his way sideways through the door frame.

The barista smiled at me and said she’d be back in a few minutes after she helped the poor soul who had come seeking warmth. I looked back down at my drink, the skull seemed to have been stretched out strangely from my timid sips on one side. My mind went back to my day and I was lost again. It was a few minutes later while I was recapping the morning in my mind that I realized something really important that I had forgotten about.

How to Write a Book

The problem with book writing is that it seems impossible. The average person will usually only see the finished product and think, “There is no way I could write something that long…” and so they never even try. But I’ve learned something about writing books from the two how to books I’ve written so far which makes it easier for me to work on this novel.

What I’ve learned should be common sense but in today’s instant gratification minded world it seems like we all need to be reminded of common sense every so often. This is what I’ve learned: You will not write your book in one day. It will take you several months or years. It depends on the time you invest. So if all the time you have to write is 15 minutes before you clock in at work (which is what I am doing) then use that time and try to write a page. If you do that once a day and try not to go back and revise your work too much (editing should come after you spew your words onto the paper) in a year you would have about 300 pages or so. That’s your novel. It’ll take one work break a day to write it and you could finally check it off of your bucket list.

The only thing that ever stops you from accomplishing anything is you. Stop being lazy and start accomplishing the things you want to do someday. Like they say, someday is just a nice way to say never. So stop making excuses for yourself and do something with your life already!

Backup – Part 1: Falling Apart

Hey guys, I’ve always wanted to write a novel and I finally had a good idea I think. I’ve been writing in my spare time for a while and this is what I have got so far. For those of you who need a warning this is written towards the 20 somethings who are into scifi. Part one won’t seem very scifi like but at this point i am just laying the groundwork. I plan on going back through all that I’m writing and posting on here once it’s done and editing and improving it but for now I’ll simple write a bit and post it as is. And yes I do plan on selling this book once it is done.

So anyways… thats how i always cut back to the thought i was nervously splicing together in my mind. I never really considered myself to be a story teller but after everything I have been through and after everything i have learned and seen it’s beginning to become imperative that i start trying to get this story out to the world.

You see, I’m one of those average Joe’s you always see twittling his thumbs or starring blankly at his phone on the bus or train. Not that I’ve ever been on public transportation, just that i feel like if i had this would make more sense to you.

It’s hard too decided where to start when you have something of grave importance to tell your audience. Do you start at the beginning and run the risk of the story being to slow and driving away your readers before the good parts begin? Or should you trick your readers into caring about the story by starting it off like the climax of an action movie?

To be honest i don’t really know which to choose, that being said my mind always seems to revert to me sitting on a train staring at a poster that i believed would take my life to higher places. I had never ridden on a train before that day. But it wasn’t the highlight of my life and is only really memorable to me now because i had been having a really shitty week up until that point.

It started out like any other week, the sun came up long after i had woken up. I was staring at the ceiling waiting for my alarm to go off so that i could feel like it wasn’t a horrible thing for me to be getting out of bed. There were of course little annoying birds chirping outside and as much as i wanted to blame them for my being awake i simply couldn’t.

I hated lying and especially hated the idea of lying to myself. So instead i stared at the ceiling trying not to think of the cold space on the left side of the bed. I tried not to think about who use to be there or how much i hated her. But that never works does it? It’s like counting sheep but in reverse, everyone says just do it and it will work but then you find yourself receiving the advice you used to dish out and you want to punt the next person who brings it up.

At the time i couldn’t remember what brought up the fight but i know i really fucked up. Every piece of my being was telling me to shut up, to stop reacting but my pride had a plan of its own that night and boy did it get a word in edgewise.

So i just laid there staring through the ceiling, my eyes red and not really focused on anything. My mind racing in circles while i tired too flatten its stupid tires. I don’t think i slept that night, not for even a moment. My stomach had been in knots since she stormed out. It was like the butterflies that hatched when i met her had reverted back into their old caterpillar form and they all decided that the meat diet was in fashion this fall.

There was a half empty bottle of pepto on my night stand and i was in the middle of reaching for the caterpillar poison right as the alarm went off. I jumped and knocked it over onto the floor where it sat on its side oozing it’s sickly pink chalk goo all over the face of a shattered picture frame of the love of my life, i jumped up swearing. The tips of my fingers brushed the frame right as my sleep deprived mind reminded me the girl behind the shattered glass hated me.

I just stared for a moment. The pink ooz slowly spread till her face was covered. My fingers had a little bit of the ooz on them as well. I sighed and sat back down on my bed. Staring silently at the mess not knowing quite what i should do about it.

I licked the pepto off of my fingers, and as for the frame? I opted to leave it there.

I hate it when the narrator jumps around haphazardly without any warning so I’ll just let you know that i had eggs and toast, sat around for a few hours and then wandered begrudgingly down to my car, intent on heading to work. Or i would have if it was still where i had parked it.

There was a spattering of glass shards covering the pavement and parking paint right by where i had parked. I just stood there for a while staring at the spot like a deer watching its death speeding towards it, horns blaring. The next thing i knew i was sat on the ground, not really looking at anything and not really thinking either.

The next thing I knew I had sent a text out to my buddy Bob, he was going to take me to work. I just told him my car wasn’t working, I didn’t feel like i deserved any sympathy today. As i stood up and pocketing my phone i heard a low rumble of thunder and glanced up as a drop of rain smack me right square in the forehead, how fucking cliche…

Bob had been pretty nice that morning, which was surprising to be because he’s not a morning person and is usually a total dick if you woke him up before noon. But he was cheerful as ever, drumming his hands on his streeringwheel, bobbing his head to black hole sun as it played in the background on the radio.

That being said he wasn’t really conversational. He didn’t even mention not seeing my car in the parking lot that he had picked me up from. As per usual he simply pulled up, window slightly rolled down and asked me, “how much?” In the best shitty Borat impression he could muster.

I hopped in with a sigh and was immediately thrown back into the seat, the door slammed before i could close it. He was giggling with that standard shit-eating-grin Bob was known for by his friends. So basically just me.

You see Bob was one of those comic geniuses that the world would never really understand. He was always reaching for a joke, usually for his own enjoyment but sometimes if you were lucky and the stars and the moon aligned just right Bob would make them for your benefit. Unfortunately for me the next alignment was a ways off…

It wasn’t that far to work and i guess i could have walked but with the way things had been going i felt like seeing my best friend for a while. Even if that did mean i was going to be his personal voodoo doll for his bad joke pins. Something about having him around always seemed to help me feel a little bit better. Today it was a struggle to feel better but he definitely did lighten my mood a little bit. That was good because it was about to go critical.

I was late, my schedule had changed over the weekend and i never called to verify it. I found myself sitting in my managers office. He was scrolling through some Facebook pages highlighting big tits, tattoos, and weed. Ordinarily the dude was pretty laid back but today he was tense.

He never acted like my manager unless his made him act like it. And that was what was happening today. We were waiting for the big boss to come in. There was an important meeting this morning i had missed and he was coming back from across town to catch me up on what i had missed.

I kept catching him, whose name is John by the way, watching me out of the corner of his eye. He would try to hide it and act like he was reading by purposefully moving his eyes back and forth when he noticed i caught him. But he didn’t seem to realize i could see the monitor in the reflection of a closed circuit security monitor that was conveniently turned off and was sitting at just the right angle for me to see he was scrolling through some bikini pictures.

I didn’t really blame him for looking, even if we were at work. But him trying to hide the fact that he was watching me was unnerving. I wish he would just focus on his pseudo porn and leave me be till his boss showed up.

Unfortunately for me that was exactly what happened just a few minutes later. Without knocking the door flew open, bouncing off the wall it swung wildly into and almost slammed back into the face of John’s boss. The dude was massive he had to turn slightly to make it through the door frame. He didn’t seem to look at John or myself, his eyes darted to the turned off tv screen and mine followed. I saw John quickly closed out of the browser window and all that was left on the screen was employee names and schedules listed.

Bossman scowled at John who seemed to shrink in his already too large Abercrombie polo. It was obvious at this point i was in trouble. I just wasn’t really sure how much trouble. John stood up and walked around the desk, hand out as if to shake his boss’ hand.

Bossman just growled, “Shut the door, John.” And then walked past him and sat down in John’s chair.

-

Just Adult Things

So tonight I had one of those weird thoughts I felt like others might find interesting, and because the frequency of these interesting thoughts (at least in my head they seem interesting) happening decreases with an ever growing swiftness. Or maybe I am just realizing that most of those thoughts aren’t actually interesting but I’ve learned to stop listening to my own bullshit and am now able to pick out what is actually somewhat more interesting now than I could even a year before now.

I like the fact that I am growing up in the internet generation. I think it is very interesting that I will be a part of the generation that publicly brings up in an almost sarcastic and yet brutally honest ways of stereotyping a reality of life, that there areĀ just adult things like in those stupid and excessively shared preppy posters that spread around Facebook like a winter cold in schools.

And those just adult things as much as we will all hate them for how boringly overdone they are and they just so annoyingly remind us of MySpace when we were teenagers. We will hate them but they will be true, and for once the young people from that generation forward will see in a way that they can relate to the reality of growing up and will hopefully begin to fearfully cling to their youth while they still understand what they will be missing when it’s gone.

I hope that that is the way things work out. I always wish I could have done even more in my youth than I had. I am known among my friends as a hard worker and an entrepreneur. But I feel like if I deserve those titles then I should be brutally honest about myself and those titles. If I had actually put 10% of my effort into even one of my businesses I wouldn’t be working for someone else today.

You have to try to not succeed it seems and I should know, I have tried the hardest for the longest time. I’m not sure why, maybe I just didn’t understand that there really is an end to all of this, even though I was commonly heard saying otherwise. Maybe it is simply not a thought that sinks through the adolescent brain.

But I hope, maybe with my generation as one last bad example our culture will take a step forward and evolve a little bit mentally and learn to appreciate their lives before they’ve used so much of it for so little to show of it.

That’s basically the thought, yea, it’s long and drug out but it did take place over the course of a car ride home after work, which accounted for 40 minutes and in the two way trip it is 1.33 hours of my day.

Here’s a few just adult things to get this crap started: “The older you get, the more you appreciate not doing anything at all. #JustAdultThings” “I can finally sleep in all day and eat whatever I want but now I don’t want to. #JustAdultThings” “I’m gonna be a daddy!!! #JustAdultThings” If you’ve got one leave it in the comments, don’t get too bad, some of them are supposed to be good. Hell leave a sarcastic one if you want to. ;)

JT Nickel’s Shuppet Donk – Let’s Play Yo-Yo – Ep. 010

In episode 10 of Let’s Play Yo-Yo Mike tackles the deceptively hard Shuppet Donk trick developed by JT Nickle, an evil mastermind of trick composition whose very trick nearly killed Mike. Also Danyel says hi! Anyways… Uhm… Oh yea, in this episode Mike also answers a few questions about his favorite contests, how yo-yoing has impacted his life, and a few yo-yo/baby crossover questions.

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Starting Over

It seems like every so often, every three years or so, I end up losing a very important file or backup somehow and have to rebuild a website. Well, this time I didn’t lose anything, I just ran out of money. I was no longer able to pay my hosting, and because of that I lost my three most important sites. Well my two most important sites. This one isn’t one of them. The biggest loss when it comes to this site for me was the years worth of blog posts I’ll never recover.

That being said not one person has mentioned to me, “Hey, your website is down buddy!” So I assume it wasn’t missed the last five months. Not a big deal at the end of the day, if people didn’t miss it then I was doing something wrong. If I don’t miss it then I was really doing something wrong.

At any rate my buddy Dennis helped me out with hosting while I get back on my feet in this online world. I’m lucky to have a good friend like him to bail me out of this no-no I’ve fallen into when it comes to having a website and being a savvy computer user in 2014.

I should have backed up YoYoCourse and Site Traffic School… Luckily I was planning on overhauling both of those websites once I had the money to bring them back online. So at the end of the day I feel this is a sort of blessing in disguise.

At any rate, if you saw this and you were happy that my site is back I’d love it if you left me a comment so I knew. Keep an eye out for more blogs and video content which I typically post something of once a week!